why does crying make me so sleepy?

and how did i get so jaded and bitter about life?

i'm going to run away from this shit hole.

what now?

even the best fall down sometimes

even the wrong words seem to rhyme

...

even the stars refuse to shine

i finished first year. i couldn't believe it. i had been fantasizing about this summer ever since i started med school way back in august. i was so excited during exam week that i couldn't even concentrate when i was studying OR sleep.

i should be ecstatic.

i was terrified of failing out when i started. i told everyone that i just wanted to pass all my classes, no mas. AND I DID IT - i passed first year with flying colors. and yet i felt disappointed when i saw my class ranking. what the fuck?

sigh.

i keep telling myself that this isn't college anymore - i'm competing against a bunch of robots. i should feel lucky that i didn't fail any class. but why is it so hard to convince myself this?

truth be told, i hated my life this past year. i hated every. single. second. of it. i was miserable and lonely and constantly sleep deprived. i became bitter and jaded. i felt trapped. i never understood how some of my classmates were able to actually enjoy med school (i'd always give them a WTF face when they said shit like this). either they are full of shit (and to my disappointment, i've learned that a lot of people in medicine are full of shit), or they must be ROBOTS.

so much resentment and unhappiness.

there were times that i would look around during lecture and silently ask myself, what the FUCK am i doing in here with these fucking robots? i don't belong here.

did i pick the wrong career?

i guess the better question is, did i fuck up my life by letting my parents choose medicine for me?

i'm doing research with my dad this summer. how wrong was i to think that this would be a nice "break" from school. can i say something? here goes - I FUCKING HATE RESEARCH. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK TO THESE MOLECULAR MECHANISMS. to make matters worse, i work under my dad. i feel like i'm constantly being ping-ponged between my dad and his boss. my dad speaks Chinese to me. which means that most of the time i have no idea what the fuck he's saying. which makes me confused about what im supposed to do. which makes me feel like a moron. which has been the story of my life for the past year.

i thought working out might help relieve some stress/anxiety this summer. but apparently i have to pay $99 since i'm not taking any classes. i think God hates me.

bad day at work. i have such a headache.

i didn't mean to make this a venting session. oh well.

i'm so tired of feeling inferior all the time.

我相信

每一天 睁开眼 时间改变着一切 风吹过 望着天 飘忽不定的感觉 不想说 是与非 是非都没有绝对 可是我 不后悔 因为有你在身边 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 每个呼吸 都有意义 逝去的太多啊 没有时间叹息 再迷惘 也继续 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 你说的一切 我都相信 你握着我的手 看着我的眼睛 我比谁 都确定 你的心 每一天(每一天) 梦在飞(梦在飞) 翅膀累了不停歇 挥着手 想着谁 回忆是我的依恋 受了伤(受了伤) 掉眼泪(掉眼泪) 你就出现在眼前 约定的(你我约定的) 都兑现(全部都兑现) 给我最美的画面 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 每个呼吸 都有意义 逝去的太多 没有时间叹息 再迷惘 也继续 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 你说的一切 我都相信 你握着我的手 看着我的眼睛 我比谁 都确定 你的心 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 你说的一切 我都相信 你握着我的手 看着我的眼睛 我比谁 都确定 你的心 我相信