what now?

even the best fall down sometimes

even the wrong words seem to rhyme

...

even the stars refuse to shine

i finished first year. i couldn't believe it. i had been fantasizing about this summer ever since i started med school way back in august. i was so excited during exam week that i couldn't even concentrate when i was studying OR sleep.

i should be ecstatic.

i was terrified of failing out when i started. i told everyone that i just wanted to pass all my classes, no mas. AND I DID IT - i passed first year with flying colors. and yet i felt disappointed when i saw my class ranking. what the fuck?

sigh.

i keep telling myself that this isn't college anymore - i'm competing against a bunch of robots. i should feel lucky that i didn't fail any class. but why is it so hard to convince myself this?

truth be told, i hated my life this past year. i hated every. single. second. of it. i was miserable and lonely and constantly sleep deprived. i became bitter and jaded. i felt trapped. i never understood how some of my classmates were able to actually enjoy med school (i'd always give them a WTF face when they said shit like this). either they are full of shit (and to my disappointment, i've learned that a lot of people in medicine are full of shit), or they must be ROBOTS.

so much resentment and unhappiness.

there were times that i would look around during lecture and silently ask myself, what the FUCK am i doing in here with these fucking robots? i don't belong here.

did i pick the wrong career?

i guess the better question is, did i fuck up my life by letting my parents choose medicine for me?

i'm doing research with my dad this summer. how wrong was i to think that this would be a nice "break" from school. can i say something? here goes - I FUCKING HATE RESEARCH. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK TO THESE MOLECULAR MECHANISMS. to make matters worse, i work under my dad. i feel like i'm constantly being ping-ponged between my dad and his boss. my dad speaks Chinese to me. which means that most of the time i have no idea what the fuck he's saying. which makes me confused about what im supposed to do. which makes me feel like a moron. which has been the story of my life for the past year.

i thought working out might help relieve some stress/anxiety this summer. but apparently i have to pay $99 since i'm not taking any classes. i think God hates me.

bad day at work. i have such a headache.

i didn't mean to make this a venting session. oh well.

i'm so tired of feeling inferior all the time.