New beginnings.

Wow. It's been SO long since I updated this blog.

I can't believe I'm in my 3rd year of medical school now. Somehow I managed to get through the first 2 years of medical school, pass the Step 1 with a decent score, and finally get my drivers license!! Oh and did I mention, I also got engaged last year ^__^ Sure, I struggled at times and shed a lot of tears along the way, actually I was dangerously close to quitting so many times, but I'm still here aren't I? I keep telling myself - what doesn't kill me will make me stronger! I never ever EVER thought I'd make it this far in medical school. I still remember looking up at the wise third years in their white coats when I first started medical school, admiring them and being intimidated at the same time. Gosh, I still can't believe I'm one of them now. The past 2 years have been excruciatingly painful at times, I felt like my soul got broken over and over again. I was lonely, depressed, frustrated, stressed out (pretty sure I developed some peptic ulcers along the way), sleep deprived, and unhappy. At some point in my struggle, I forgot why I chose to go into medicine in the first place. Well, thank GOD for third year, I feel like I'm slowly digging myself out of this depression hole. I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of what feels to be a never-ending tunnel.

Anyways, I wanted to start posting on here on a regular basis. I think I'm going to try to be more positive. Since I bought a new camera, I will also try taking more pictures so I can post them here. Also, I wanted to start blogging about makeup here, since I'm such a youtube makeup nerd but don't have the time to make my own videos. Yay!

why does crying make me so sleepy?

and how did i get so jaded and bitter about life?

i'm going to run away from this shit hole.

what now?

even the best fall down sometimes

even the wrong words seem to rhyme

...

even the stars refuse to shine

i finished first year. i couldn't believe it. i had been fantasizing about this summer ever since i started med school way back in august. i was so excited during exam week that i couldn't even concentrate when i was studying OR sleep.

i should be ecstatic.

i was terrified of failing out when i started. i told everyone that i just wanted to pass all my classes, no mas. AND I DID IT - i passed first year with flying colors. and yet i felt disappointed when i saw my class ranking. what the fuck?

sigh.

i keep telling myself that this isn't college anymore - i'm competing against a bunch of robots. i should feel lucky that i didn't fail any class. but why is it so hard to convince myself this?

truth be told, i hated my life this past year. i hated every. single. second. of it. i was miserable and lonely and constantly sleep deprived. i became bitter and jaded. i felt trapped. i never understood how some of my classmates were able to actually enjoy med school (i'd always give them a WTF face when they said shit like this). either they are full of shit (and to my disappointment, i've learned that a lot of people in medicine are full of shit), or they must be ROBOTS.

so much resentment and unhappiness.

there were times that i would look around during lecture and silently ask myself, what the FUCK am i doing in here with these fucking robots? i don't belong here.

did i pick the wrong career?

i guess the better question is, did i fuck up my life by letting my parents choose medicine for me?

i'm doing research with my dad this summer. how wrong was i to think that this would be a nice "break" from school. can i say something? here goes - I FUCKING HATE RESEARCH. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK TO THESE MOLECULAR MECHANISMS. to make matters worse, i work under my dad. i feel like i'm constantly being ping-ponged between my dad and his boss. my dad speaks Chinese to me. which means that most of the time i have no idea what the fuck he's saying. which makes me confused about what im supposed to do. which makes me feel like a moron. which has been the story of my life for the past year.

i thought working out might help relieve some stress/anxiety this summer. but apparently i have to pay $99 since i'm not taking any classes. i think God hates me.

bad day at work. i have such a headache.

i didn't mean to make this a venting session. oh well.

i'm so tired of feeling inferior all the time.

我相信

每一天 睁开眼 时间改变着一切 风吹过 望着天 飘忽不定的感觉 不想说 是与非 是非都没有绝对 可是我 不后悔 因为有你在身边 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 每个呼吸 都有意义 逝去的太多啊 没有时间叹息 再迷惘 也继续 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 你说的一切 我都相信 你握着我的手 看着我的眼睛 我比谁 都确定 你的心 每一天(每一天) 梦在飞(梦在飞) 翅膀累了不停歇 挥着手 想着谁 回忆是我的依恋 受了伤(受了伤) 掉眼泪(掉眼泪) 你就出现在眼前 约定的(你我约定的) 都兑现(全部都兑现) 给我最美的画面 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 每个呼吸 都有意义 逝去的太多 没有时间叹息 再迷惘 也继续 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 你说的一切 我都相信 你握着我的手 看着我的眼睛 我比谁 都确定 你的心 Cuz I believe Cuz I believe 你说的一切 我都相信 你握着我的手 看着我的眼睛 我比谁 都确定 你的心 我相信

天空

还有三个星期，医学院第一年就要过去一半儿啦！开学后的这四个月真的好辛苦。苦中几乎一直都没有甜。成绩越来越好了，希望能够顺利的度过这四年的折磨。我太搓揉了，一定要坚强起来！！ 我的生活其实是很美好的，一定要告诉自己珍惜一切！！ 加油！！

听着自己的心跳
没有规则的跳跃
我安静的在思考
并不想被谁打扰
我们曾紧紧拥抱
却又轻易地放掉
这种感觉很微妙
该怎么说才好
时间分割成对角
停止你对我的好
瓦解我们的依靠
在你离开之后的天空
我像风筝寻一个梦
雨后的天空
是否有放晴后的面容
我静静的望着天空
试着寻找失落的感动
只能用笑容
期待着雨过天晴的彩虹

1 down, 3 more to go.

was finally able to get some sleep last night after a week of insomnia. things seem slightly more manageable. just let me pass.

sigh.

and even when your hope is gone, move along, move along to make it through.

had insomnia for the second time since med school started. i need to stop letting anxiety get the better of me.

still can't believe A is gone. i can't wrap my mind around it. i can't accept the fact that he's dead. i keep thinking about his struggles with death and his final moments and my heart wrenches and i choke up every time i think about him. i find myself playing "Where'd You Go" on repeat whenever i'm taking a break from studying or walking to school. it was his favorite song. it would always be on the radio whenever we were driving to the Kenwood mall. i feel guilty for not spending as much time grieving. but i don't have a choice. life is demoralizing.

block exams are coming up in 5 days. i need to get out of this panic mode. i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. i need to stop being so weak. being sick does not give me an excuse to stop studying. i need to suck it up and trudge along. i've been in darker situations before. i can do this shit. medicine means everything to me. I can't let A down. his death is all the more reason for me to become a doctor.

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along